How to break up in a nice way

Let’s be honest, going through a break up is never fun. If someone breaks up with you, it can leave you feeling confused, insecure and upset. But being the ‘breaker upper’ can be hard to navigate, too. Thoughts whirr through your head in the run-up to The Dumping: Am I doing the right thing? Can I trust my own judgement? What if they cry? What if I cry?

But if you’ve thought long and hard about it and decided that ultimately, it’s for the best, then comes the really tricky part: actually ending your relationship. It can be hard to know exactly how to break up with someone. Unfortunately, there isn’t a handy ready-made script you can use for this situation. But if you're sure that moving on is the right decision, then there are certain things you can do and say to at least try and end things on good terms.

We asked relationship expert Gary Amers for his advice on breaking up with someone like a legitimate adult human. Here, he shares his tips for how to do it without being unnecessarily nasty, while also getting to the point – because this is not a conversation you want to drag out.

How to break up with someone

Be clear

People only wish to break up with someone if the person is no longer a
match to their outlook, values, passions, needs and desires. So before the break up, write a list of what it is that you no longer want to be, feel or experience in a relationship so you can be clear when you break up. Then write down what you now want, and visualise it.

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Fall out of love in your mind first

It’s harder to break up if you keep focusing on the one moment you were
happy. If you're trying to build the strength to break up with a partner, banish that thought. Focus on the top five negative moments of your relationship. Remember what you saw, heard and felt during those times. Keep repeating the process.

Be kind, but strict

Breaking up can be extremely painful, not just for the person being left behind
but for the person doing the leaving. Be kind and respectful as you begin to
distance yourself, however, be strict with your boundaries because if you're not totally clear, your partner may get mixed signals and end up staying around much longer.

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Figure out how valuable they are

Only you can decide what your partner is worth to you. Are they worth a sit
down dinner or a five-minute coffee break up? Are they worth a four-word text or
one last night of passion? Soz, but only you can decide that one.

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Look forward

Think about all of the things you are now free to be, do, and have, after
breaking up. Go on a rampage of thoughts that activate happy vibes. Tomorrow’s experiences are always created from the thoughts you are thinking today.

Let’s cut to the chase: Dating is really hard. But dating in 2020? Virtually impossible. Between a global pandemic, the dumpster fire that is American politics, and Taylor Swifts’ surprise album (like what the actual f), emotions are at an all-time high.

But that isn't an excuse for common courtesy to go out the window when it comes to communication. Because unfortunately, for far too many in the dating world, this happens anyway with what we call “ghosting.”

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Psychotherapist and relationship expert Rhonda Richards-Smith says people ghost mainly because either 1) The thought of hurting someone’s feelings makes them too anxious to even send a text, or 2) They don’t know how to cope with the feelings that come from a breakup.

“Unfortunately, when lots of time and energy is being spent coping with loss or multiple crises, sending a breakup text may simply be too much for an individual to manage at that time.” (Valid, but still not okay.)

Sure, there may be a few reasons to ghost (concern about your safety being the main one), but as an adult, majority of the time, it is totally inexcusable to leave someone on read when it takes, like, 15 seconds to compose a simple text. Maybe you just need some help—anti-ghost training wheels, if you will.

So in an effort to make ghosting extinct by the end of the year, here are 27 different ways to tell someone you aren’t interested without just leaving them on read. You're welcome.

1. For the person who refuses to wear a mask over their nose:

“I am doing everything I can to keep myself and my family healthy, including taking all the necessary precautions. At this time, I think it's best we part ways. It's been really fun getting to know you!”

or

“Thanks for the coffee yesterday, it was fun. But unfortunately due to your general lack of care for other people’s health, I don’t think it’s going to work.”

2. For the person whose idea of a "socially-distant bubble" is 100 people:

“I have really enjoyed getting to know you, but I have to be honest with you. I'm not comfortable socializing with anyone that's not following public health guidance to prevent the spread of COVID. It's been great learning more about you, but I think it's best if we end things here.”

or

“You seem really cool but our ideas of staying safe are drastically different so it’s not gonna work.”

3. For the person who thinks COVID-19 is a hoax:

“My health is a major priority for me and I have serious concerns about the impact that COVID-19 has had on myself, my family and friends. I know that you do not share these concerns, which leaves us at a crossroads. Because of your stance on this, I think it's best we part ways. I hope you can understand.”

or

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

4. For the person who only wants a booty call:

“It’s been cool getting to know you, but I am looking for more than just a hookup. Good luck with everything!”

or

“I've been giving it some thought and I think that we have different priorities when it comes to what we are looking for in a relationship. I know a physical connection is important to you, but this alone doesn't meet my needs at this time.”

5. For the person you went on one date with who keeps following up:

“It was really nice meeting you, but I just don’t see this working.”

or

“It was nice meeting you, but I am not interested. Thanks for dinner!”

6. For the person you went on a few dates with and just aren’t interested in:

“I loved spending time with you, but I don’t think it’s going to work in the long run.”

or

“I had a lot of fun with you, but I don’t think we’re compatible.”

7. For the person who feels more like a good friend than a romantic partner:

“It’s been super fun hanging out with you, but I think I get more of a friend vibe between us. I would love to still hang out, if you’re down!”

or

“I think you’re really cool but don’t think I’m in the same place as you are right now. I’d love to continue hanging out as friends though!”

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8. For the person who likes you more than you like them:

“I think you’re great, but we just want different things and I don’t think it’s going to work.”

or

“It’s been nice getting to know you, but the more time we spend together, the more I realize we’re just on different pages.”

9. For the person who has a finance job, sleeps on a blow-up mattress, and only texts after midnight:

“I have a lot going on right now and just need to focus on myself. Thanks for understanding!”

or

“Sorry, your lifestyle is a little too chaotic for me—I’m not interested!”

10. For the person who just really wasn’t good in bed:

“Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve had this kind of intimacy with someone and it made me realize I’m not super ready for a relationship, I’m sorry!”

or

“You’re great, but I don’t really feel a romantic connection.”

11. For the person whose politics are drastically different than your own:

“I am so sorry, but with your sun in Virgo and mine in Gemini, it’s just not going to work for me.”

or

“Sorry, but I literally cannot date someone who voted for [insert candidate]. We have completely different values. It’s a no for me!”

12. For the person who isn’t as cool as the other person you recently went on a date with:

“To be honest, I think you’re really sweet, but I met someone else and I want to focus on that. Sorry!”

or

“Thanks for hanging out the other night, but I have to be honest and tell you I have to see where things go with this other person.”

13. For the person you’ve led on for far too long because you were trying to decide if you liked them:

“I am really sorry to do this, but the more we hang out, the more I realize the spark is missing between us. I hope you understand.”

or

“I’m sure you feel the same way, but as much fun as I’ve had the past few weeks, I don’t see this working out long-term.”

14. And finally, for the person who wasn’t who you thought they were (i.e., they turned out to be an asshole undeserving of your time):

*Block number*

Isabel Calkins Isabel is a full-time freelance writer covering all things lifestyle, sex, and wellness.

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